Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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