Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
