I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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