I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Randomize
