Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
