I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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