i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
