So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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