He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
