operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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