I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can text with my tongue
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
