Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
