woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
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and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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