I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
