So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
