I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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