i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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