I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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