New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
