Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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