I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Randomize
