feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
