evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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