well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
