when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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