Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
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