Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
