sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
