Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
