dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So here I am, sexting at work.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
