he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
