Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
