I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
