Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
