you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
