??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
