I want to walk on stilts...naked
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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