Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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