fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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