your parents love me but you hate me
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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