If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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