I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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