Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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