I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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