I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
