We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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