Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
