she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
