apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
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i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
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Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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