you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
