We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
