I have demons in me.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
