I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
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If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
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