Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
