your parents love me but you hate me
True but thats because hes a fetus.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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