Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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