Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
