she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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