i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
