So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
