you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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